Parenting toward emotional health
How can we model emotional expression and regulation to kids?
A parent messaged me on Instagram to ask about raising young kids with a different view of emotions than many of us grew up with. They wrote:
I’m working to parent my sons (6 and 4) with our emotions in mind. I’m finding that as I seek to be open about emotions they are not seeing me as an authority but more as a peer. I don’t want to raise them as I was where my emotions were ignored (as were everyone else’s in the family) but I’m feeling like a pendulum and not sure how to bring balance. Would love to hear any thoughts you have about being an authority to our kids without falling into being an authoritarian or their friend. Thanks!
Unlearning authoritarian parenting is a challenge for me after growing up Dobson’s way. I’m still finding my way through various models of parenting. I was drawn to attachment parenting when my kids were babies, and I like a lot of ideas from gentle parenting perspectives today. Gentle parenting doesn’t mean push-over parenting, but in my zeal to not be an authoritarian parent and to not damage my kids, I struggle to create the firm and loving boundaries that good gentle parenting requires.
So even though I have five kids (ages 8, 10, 12, 15, and 17), I am not a parenting expert. I can tell you what I am learning in my research, though, about parenting, emotions, developmental trauma, and attachment. And I can say that my kids are pretty good at articulating their emotions, and they know they can trust me to repair our relationship when I say or do something that hurts them.
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
Here are some of the ideas I’ve collated about emotionally healthy parenting to raise emotionally healthy kids.
Learn how to handle your own emotions so you can confidently model emotions for them
If you are having outsized reactions to your children, it’s possible you have unhealed trauma and are getting triggered. A licensed trauma therapist can help you heal the wounds of trauma so that you aren’t bringing historical emotions into your present.
If you never learned how to express and regulate your own emotions, therapy might still be a useful tool. You can also learn emotional expression and regulation tools like using an emotion wheel to express your emotions with more specificity, journaling about your emotions to discover what is behind them, staying in your window of tolerance, and paying attention to your body.
Talk through with them what you are doing in the moment to process your own emotions. “Right now I am frustrated because I spilled something on my clothes right before I needed to leave for an important event. Part of me would really like to yell right now! Another part of me wants to cry. I feel a little helpless and I wish everything had gone smoothly. I am going to take 10 deep breaths. Then I am going to change my clothes. I am going to text my friends that I will be a little late.”
You can learn to model for your child that emotions are nothing to be afraid of. Emotions can be felt, expressed, and regulated.
Be your child’s tour guide of emotions
Realize you are a key socializing figure in their lives teaching them what emotions to construct in your culture. Take that role seriously. You are helping them observe their experiences and teach them the culturally appropriate emotion labels for those experiences: “Your favorite toy broke. You probably feel sad about that and maybe angry too.” The more emotion words you use, the more they will learn, and the better they will be able to express themselves.” I’ll post more about this next week with notes from Lisa Feldman Barrett and Batja Mesquita on how kids learn emotions.
Co-regulate, co-regulate, co-regulate
Children do not have fully developed, mature nervous systems. They do not know how to soothe themselves. The physical components of emotions can feel overwhelming to their little bodies. When you sit with them and calm yourself, that helps them calm as well. Being attuned to your own body and emotions, and attuning to theirs, will help them learn to attune to themselves over time. Co-regulation with instead of separating from when they are having a hard time is vital.
Validate, validate, validate
Help them name their emotions and remind them frequently that their emotions are okay. You are not afraid of their emotions and they don’t need to be either. Their emotions are welcome. Their emotions are important. Their emotions are real and valid. Say these things over and over.
All emotions get a yes, some behaviors get a no
I made a video about this concept a few weeks ago.
Repair when you harm
When you blow up at them because you weren’t controlling your own reactions, or when you dismiss or invalidate their emotions, own it and apologize. “I didn’t listen to you well when you told me about your sad day. I’m sorry. I really do care about your emotions, and I love to hear you share them with me. Do you want to tell me now?”
Do not make them responsible for your emotions
The way to be their socializing figure and not their peer is to never make them feel responsible for your emotions. It is not their job to regulate you. It is your job to regulate yourself, and it is your job to help regulate them. Your emotions are not their problem. Be the confident parent in handling your emotions and theirs - do not make them handle yours.
Use emotion learning tools
These Little Otter Emotion cards are one of my favorite tools! My kids will look through them and pick out the cards that describe how they feel. The cards also have prompts for how to process various emotions with caregivers. Not sponsored, I just genuinely love this product.
What other strategies would you add for parenting kids toward emotional health?
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Thanks for sharing these cards! Ordering them now.
"All emotions get a yes, some behaviors get a no." I love this!